Monday, July 05, 2010
Galaxy: Love Letter
It was the way you played with your hair when you were nervous.
It was the way you smiled when you were happy.
It was the way you turned and looked to me when you weren't sure of quite what the world was coming to. When the rain outside seemed to go on forever, incessantly, a story with a beginning, middle, but lacking the end that makes it one.
It was the way you touched my hand when we were riding the moon ride together. The way you chastised me for eating too much, the way you smiled when I chastised you in return for never finishing your food (but then again, you've always looked so beautiful to me I could never ever pretend to be angry at you. It's a trick, I tell you... :) ).
This is the way I'll start this letter. Now, at this hour of magnitude, when...when it seems as if everything will fall apart if we don't make this mission work, if we don't make it a success, it seems like there's no other time left for us.
Time. I thought that we had a lot of it before. Even until recently, I thought we had more than most, certainly more than enough, to drive through the moments of hardship and despair that I faced without you. It was always one more mission, one more assignment, one more job that I needed to do before I could manage to bring myself back to the reality that is without you.
The past few years was a time of great self-reflection. I could never see myself in any other way; I don't hear the plaudits ringing in my ears, or the congratulations feted upon me and my men. I see it always from the lack. The one misstep in training, the one shot that got away, the one...
...the one that got away was you.
I always saw myself in the things I didn't do for you. I get angry at myself at how I've let you down. There is a feeling that rises within me whenever I think of the moments I've had to disappoint you. I look back and think of the missed opportunities that...that could have made us into something more. The moments that I've missed that could have kept us together.
These are the moments that still haunts me, the moments that never were. These memories chased me in the middle of the night, taunting me to be as something less than a man. A man who couldn't take care of his woman. A man who couldn't keep her happy, who couldn't be counted upon or trusted with not breaking your heart.
Remember when we were at the viewing port of the GL Substation? On your birthday? (You never remembered mine, but I never cared, for everyday I was with you feels like a little birthday of my own. :) ). We looked at the star of Itana, just the two of us. You in my arms, and then...you fell asleep. My arms ached, but I never complained, because I knew how lucky I was to be there. That moment, right there, and moments like those, these are the moments that I live for. I remember the bad times, but oh, how I cherish the good ones even more.
The time I spent with you were amongst the best of my life. The good and bad all mingled in together, without any beginning, middle or end. I suppose that is a part of what love is, but it's never the whole and complete story, is it? I never did know the rest of it, the missing pieces of the jigsaw. I sit here writing the letter I hope you will never read, but I certainly hope that the words I put here, however, inadequate they are to express my feelings, are not the kind to surprise you.
There's more, so much more. It always will be more, isn't it? But for now, these will have to do. Time may be of the essence, but we still have it. The rest of everything, my pieces of the jigsaw...we'll fit it in together, somehow.
I loved you. I still do, and I'll always care.
*Read Galaxy: The Last Stand.
*Read Galaxy: The Sixth Sense.
*Read Galaxy: Homecoming.
*Read Galaxy: Vs.
*Read Galaxy: The Journey.
*Read Galaxy: Tears of the Son.
*Read Galaxy: Across The Stars.
*Read Galaxy: The Prodigal's Return.