Saturday, January 20, 2007

A Bittersweet Life

'Twas a bittersweet experience.


On the eve of cancelling my phone line, I went through my handphone, writing down people's numbers and perhaps the email addresses that they might have sent. Hence, it necessitates a run through of all the messages in my phone.


And 'twas a bittersweet experience.


I have a tendency of keeping the messages that matters to me. In a general sense, this applies to a lot of messages, so the end result is that I tend to keep a lot of my messages. They all mean something to me, somehow. Reading a particular message can be a powerful experience, some even enough to transport me back to the moment of the message.


It can be good. It can be bad. In fact, I have a tendency to remember the emotions that I feel at certain moments, and recall those emotions on a moment's notice. I read that this can be a useful attribute for an actor. It can't be that useful, mind: I acted in two movies, and both times...I suck.


But I also directed both movies. Like I said...a bittersweet experience.


And deleting the messages from my phone...it was exactly that. It recalled me the joy when my little sister sent me a message that she was selected for her class debate. I had debated in university, and I suppose there was a sense of accomplishment, of having followed in my footsteps somewhat. I felt joy, and immense pride at her achievement.


Then there are the messages that freezes the moments, when my sister messaged me the passing of one of my dear aunts. I felt that chill: a static feeling, and yet it reverberates. You know...a realisation that something, somewhere, somehow will never. Ever. Be. The. Same. Again.


There are also the satisfaction that...I somehow matter. That's something I know, and feel, but to have that affirmed...is a nice feeling. To have someone message you, "Thank you for calling! It made my day!" makes me feel like I'm a good person. I'm both good and bad, mind you. Something that's normal, I suppose.


A bittersweet person, if you like.



--
http://thoughtsofwisdom.tk - On life, love, the universe, and more...

6 comments:

Aaki said...

I figure somewhere?
If not messages, emotions in mails?

Eddie G. said...

SMSes, like photographs, are melancholic. They are a voluntary, perpetual mourning.

A mourning of a moment that will never return, a moment that can never be replicated.

An even though an SMS can bring us back memories of that particular moment, memories fade and get distorted.

After all, the original purpose of photography was to capture a dead person's features so that his/her family members will never forget how he/she looked like.

Don't look at me like that. It was Andrew that said all this >_<

But it's so true. Nothing wrong with mourning though :D

Fikri said...

To Princess: Good idea :> Why don't you send some emo my way? :>

To Eddie: Perpetual mourning, perhaps. But also a source of joy and hope. Like I said, sometimes I like being reminded that I make a difference to someone, somewhere. Keeps me from taking that pill too much :> Haha.

Kidding.

Really, I'm kidding.

I don't take pills.

You've got to believe me.... :>

Eddie G. said...

Oh yea, well i ain't gonna start believing that this "Candyman" fellow in your phonebook is your 2nd Aunt's Sister's Nephew's Cousin. Twice removed.

Besides. I can get pills cheaper for you.

Susanna said...

Heya Fikri...

I have a tendency to keep many many messages in my phone too. *sigh* & yeah I totally understand what you mean when you say it's bittersweet...

& there are times when I wish I could stay frozen in those moments, along with a particular message...

Oh & btw, you're back in M'sia & all... so we should... catch up... I STILL have that article of yours with me... somewhere...

Fikri said...

To Eddie: Well, he's my second uncle's sister, actually. But no matter. :>

To Su: It's cool that many people, including you, can relate to this. Me writing this blog is not just about writing what's in my head and heart, but also somehow hoping that the expression of my thoughts and feelings will somehow bring something out in other people, something that they can connect and relate to. So in that sense, I am glad. :>

I'll drop by sooner rather than later, don't you worry about that. See you around :>