Saturday, April 16, 2005

Rest in Pieces

"What is real? What is illusion? Where is the line between truth and lie? Between right and wrong? It's a cold and lonely place, Jacen Solo: the void of not knowing."

I tossed and turned, stared at the ceiling, contemplating, thinking, wondering.

Why can't I sleep? It has been a long day, my body is tired. It screams out for rest, for respite and salvation.

But my mind has other plans. And that itself doesn't plan on letting me know what it is.

So I lie there, wondering. Thinking. Endlessly thinking.

"You think too much, Fikri," said Sarah a couple of days earlier. We were munching on our respective Auntie Anne's at the time, its sweet taste slowly dissolving itself.

Maybe she's right.

"How did you know I'd come home?"

"It is an instinct of all pack animals: the mortally wounded crawl back to their own dens to die."

"Wounded?"

"With the greatest wound a Jedi can suffer: freedom."


I went for a drive. I took out the Kia Carnival some time around 2:30am, and drove aimlessly. Lazily, even. Jamie Cullum's voice was filling the air. What a difference a day makes.

What a difference indeed.

I had no idea where I was going, but then again, I don't have to have one. It's not where I'm going that's important.

It's where I'm coming from. I just need to get away.

I'll never know where I'm going. I can plan, I can dream, but ultimately I'll never know.

But knowing that is not important. Getting right or wrong isn't the issue.

I just need to get there.

"When you always know what is right, where is freedom? No one chooses the wrong, Jacen Solo. Uncertainty sets you free."

I'm home from the drive. I ended up driving all the way around my neighbourhood, before venturing out to Ampang and Cheras, and getting quite close to Bukit Jalil, via the MRR2 highway.

The Carnival is parked inside the gates, safely stored for another day. I put on 'Shrek 2' and laughed all by myself.

He shrugged listlessly. Life, death - all was one. One with the Force. He said, "The Force doesn't care."

"Don't you care?"

"What I care doesn't matter either."

Corners of her mouth tricked up and down. "Does it matter to you?"


I got into bed, and lied there, letting all the things run through my head. The past day, the past month, the past year. I had called a friend earlier, and we had chatted for about 10 minutes. She always had a problem sleeping. I wonder if this is what she feels every night.

"Welcome to my world," she chuckled.

I blanketed myself.

After a long, long silence, he sighed. "Yes. Yes, it does."


*Excerpts taken from 'Star Wars: Traitor' by Matthew Stover

6 comments:

KL said...

Thanks for linking up my blog, Fikri :). I'm also going to link up yours.

Hmm...hope you can sleep; don't think too much.

But, then what is freedom? Can uncertainity really be a freedom? Because uncertainities/not knowing anything pushes us to know it, make it certain and thus we no longer remain free.

If I give up worldly possession and become a wandering nomad or go upto Himalaya and become a saint, is that a freedom? Because, whenever I'm doing such things, that means something else was bothering me in my life or something else is urging me. That means I'm no longer free.

Or knowing the fact that I'm not free and thus thinking and tossing in the bed is real freedom? Then, you actually know why it's happeing, what is bothering you and you can find some remedies and perhaps become free?

Fikri said...

I've thought much about the concept of freedom, and I realise that all of us have that to a certain extent (how much we have probably depends on which country you're in).

Being free doesn't necessarily entail tossing and turning in beds :> I think it comes from knowing that right and wrong are just concepts that does not apply across the board.

What may be right to us may be wrong to another. Even something that seems right a couple of minutes, hours or years ago might now seem wrong. It's a slippery concept.

Therefore, I think that a freedom (to a certain extent) lies not so much in not knowing what is right and what is wrong, but more towards knowing that right and wrong doesn't exist (I say to a certain extent because ultimately, we are never free in life since we are driven by pain and love, but hey...that's another story for another time :>)

This is my truth, tell me yours :>

KL said...

About your concept of truth and wrong, I fully agree. I sometimes used to get confused about what is right/wrong, moral/not-moral (though still do, :-), but...). Then, I have slowly come to realize that truth/wrong, moral/not-moral are never absolutes, their definitions depend upon ages/socities. I cannot and should not judge. Things became bad/wrong/not-moral only when those things irreversibly harm another a human-being. That's why, with certainity, we can say that murder, rape, torture-and-atrocities, are definitely bad/wrong - because through these you are harming another human-being, another living thing irreversibly.

But, can I judge and say, for example (hope you don't mind, and I'm bringing up some examples because these are some issues which haunted/and still haunts Indian socities in a big way about whether or not they are bad and immoral), can I judge people who like to have multiple-partners, constantly date around, or wear really attractive clothes as bad/immoral persons??? In most Asian countries, they will be considered so, people will talk behind their backs, and so on.

If I come up with some other ideas/examples, I will let you know. In the meantime, you let me know your though

vava said...

hei fikri I enjoy reading ur blog too much I think it's unhealthy. hmm..hehe.Many great insights to various subjects in life and a miraculous ability to transfer rather effortlessly what u think into a writing piece,a gud one-something I'm still struggling to do.I've link up ur blog(say thanks=P)and u r so goin 2 link up mine@vavacious.blogspot.com

Sleep well^-^

Fikri said...

To Vava: Thank you :>

To KL: I don't think there's anything wrong in judging people. There's a negative vibe attached to the word 'judge', much like 'anger'. I think that as long as you know that you can be wrong, and that you're willing to change it if necessary, then it's not a bad thing.

As for the immoral thing, despite what I say about being free, we are all framed with a right/wrong concept in our everyday lives. That's OK. The only thing we need to realise is that it's a slippery concept (as discussed before), and that there may be a justifiable reason behind it.

Torturing others? Can be bad, but what if that person tortured has also done similar things to others?

Murder? How do you define murder? Or is it defined for you by others (ie newspapers, friends, etc)? Perhaps that person has done horrible things to the murderer as well.

People who have multiple partners...well, I don't like that either. But it does happen. We don't have to like it, just so long as we know that there's always a reason behind it. It might be crap reasoning, but it's a reason nonetheless :>

I always try to remember that all these things that you're mentioning are just aspects of a person, a side: not the person themselves. I have friends who womanise regularly, and I don't like it, but they are also good friends of mine, who are kind, considerate, honest, and loyal.

My point here is always to bear in mind that there is always a story behind the story. Remember, we can only look at the world through the window that is ours. There is nothing wrong with this, so long as we recognise that there are other windows out there as well :>

KL said...

I had very similar questions as whether or not torture should be allowed, etc. Please read the two posts in my blog if you like.

Honestly, I myself can't think of torturing any living thing and really cower at such thoughts or listening to any such news. Murdering anybody, unless done in for self-confidence (like someone attacked you and while fighting for your life you accidentally kill that person), is bad. Even giving death sentence for horrendous crime (and for the last two weeks they are happening in the USA - first a 9 year old girl was raped, and then buried alive; second, a 13 year old raped and strangled) - I start having mixed emotions. These people have stooped down to the lowest human behavior possible; so for that, we shall also do that?

So, you see I'm also confused :). But, I think a confusion is good as it keeps your mind open.

About womanising or man-ising (are there any such word?), my point is we should not judge people who indulge in such things. You might see, as you've mentioned, that they are really good humans - helping others, active in charities, kind, honest, etc - but they just like to have companionship of opposite sex. But, often in Asian countries these people are branded really bad in socities. So, that what I was refering to.

http://musing-wanderer.blogspot.com/2005_03_01_musing-wanderer_archive.html#111154290001381689

http://musing-wanderer.blogspot.com/2005_02_01_musing-wanderer_archive.html#110921679861487172