"What is real? What is illusion? Where is the line between truth and lie? Between right and wrong? It's a cold and lonely place, Jacen Solo: the void of not knowing."
I tossed and turned, stared at the ceiling, contemplating, thinking, wondering.
Why can't I sleep? It has been a long day, my body is tired. It screams out for rest, for respite and salvation.
But my mind has other plans. And that itself doesn't plan on letting me know what it is.
So I lie there, wondering. Thinking. Endlessly thinking.
"You think too much, Fikri," said Sarah a couple of days earlier. We were munching on our respective Auntie Anne's at the time, its sweet taste slowly dissolving itself.
Maybe she's right.
"How did you know I'd come home?"
"It is an instinct of all pack animals: the mortally wounded crawl back to their own dens to die."
"With the greatest wound a Jedi can suffer: freedom."
I went for a drive. I took out the Kia Carnival some time around 2:30am, and drove aimlessly. Lazily, even. Jamie Cullum's voice was filling the air. What a difference a day makes.
What a difference indeed.
I had no idea where I was going, but then again, I don't have to have one. It's not where I'm going that's important.
It's where I'm coming from. I just need to get away.
I'll never know where I'm going. I can plan, I can dream, but ultimately I'll never know.
But knowing that is not important. Getting right or wrong isn't the issue.
I just need to get there.
"When you always know what is right, where is freedom? No one chooses the wrong, Jacen Solo. Uncertainty sets you free."
I'm home from the drive. I ended up driving all the way around my neighbourhood, before venturing out to Ampang and Cheras, and getting quite close to Bukit Jalil, via the MRR2 highway.
The Carnival is parked inside the gates, safely stored for another day. I put on 'Shrek 2' and laughed all by myself.
He shrugged listlessly. Life, death - all was one. One with the Force. He said, "The Force doesn't care."
"Don't you care?"
"What I care doesn't matter either."
Corners of her mouth tricked up and down. "Does it matter to you?"
I got into bed, and lied there, letting all the things run through my head. The past day, the past month, the past year. I had called a friend earlier, and we had chatted for about 10 minutes. She always had a problem sleeping. I wonder if this is what she feels every night.
"Welcome to my world," she chuckled.
I blanketed myself.
After a long, long silence, he sighed. "Yes. Yes, it does."
*Excerpts taken from 'Star Wars: Traitor' by Matthew Stover